sometimes, it sickens me how incredibly selfish i am. all i can ever think about is how something affects ME, and the fact that i actually have an effect on other people goes way over my head. i've never understood why i think this way. honestly, the thought baffles me. maybe it's from a lack of self confidence, maybe it's a lack of self worth, maybe it's because i'm so detached from myself that i can't see everything that's happening because of me.
i've hurt people in the past because of this lack of insight into my affect on the world. but there's one person that i'm actually aware that i do this to and it breaks my heart. this person is so special to me, so far above me. most of the time i can't imagine how somebody like them could EVER grow to love me. sire, right now, it's not love. my spirit loves theirs, but my logic tells me i can't possibly love them, at least not now. i can understand why, for it is foolish to love somebody you've never even met physically, face to face. but the spirit doesn't have boundaries, doesn't have a shell of a body to hold it back from exploring the world. i feel this is the case. so deep down inside of me, i know i've hurt them because my spirit is attached to theirs.
this is unacceptable to me. some tell me to just break the relationship off and be done with the pain. but the thought of this is even more painful for me to talk about. thinking about them living out there somewhere in the world without me is so heartbreaking for me. and no, i'm not thinking like some psychopath that kills the people they love if they themselves can't have them. i'd just like to clear that up haha. it's more of the fact that they've been in my life now, so i'll always have the memory of them, always have the thoughts of What if...
this all goes back to my selfishness, my preservation of my bubble separating myself emotionally from the world. i never thought i was one of those people who couldn't allow the way they feel to be known, for i've always been one to express everything i'm feeling inside: i feel that if i don't, i'm somehow lying to everybody. but when this person came into my life, i was utterly terrified of what they might find inside of me. i'm not sure why, for i don't have any deep dark secrets, or uncontrollable demons that nobody should ever see. i'm just me, inside and out. they know the demons i struggle to defeat, they've seen them. and what is astounding to me is that they accept them. THEY ACCEPT ME. my mind says What? How is this possible?! well, i guess when somebody cares for you, that's what they do. i know i do with this same person. they say i can't feel the way i do because i don't even know them, that i've never spent time with them. well, again, my logic says yes, you're absolutely correct. then the emotional side of me says i don't care what flaws you have, how you live your life, what you may have done in the past...i don't care because i accept everything about you. i could never turn you away because of the mistakes you've made or the secrets you may carry, because i'm here to share the burden with you. you can pass it onto me and i'll carry it for you forever. i'll cherish everything about you and deep down inside of me i know you'll happily do the same. you've been trying to tell me this for a long time. you've been so understanding and open hearted and accepting. and what have i been? selfish, scared, reclusive, detached.
well, this is ending now. i'm not going to hide anymore. i've nearly lost you before and let me tell you, that was too difficult. i look back now and marvel at what a fool i was, still am even. i just don't know how to change it. i try and try, yet i never get the results i long for. i know i've made promises in the past the i never lived up to. i've said This will get better. yet, none of these things i said actually happened, because of me. so i can understand why you wouldn't believe a single word i say anymore. i can understand why you no longer trust me. i get it and i accept the consequences of my actions. but i will spend my entire life earning back your trust if i have to. i just want you, flaws, demons, and all. everything. these feelings may come on strong, so that's why i've been hiding them. i still can if it's too much for you. i love you with all my heart. in love? no. but love, yes. all i can wait for now is your forgiveness, if you're willing to give it.
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