Strong, independent

But clung to a woman in order to live

So tired of the non existence of human existence

I long for some escape from this mess

When I see the angel, angel of mercy and acceptance

My heart beats like a thousand African drums

I am strong

I am independent

Yet I am not whenever she enters into my life

I am Mary

Without the Jesus

Where is He?

Where has my salvation from love and hate gone?

But do I really long for a life without emotion?

Love?

I am Mary

I do not need a man

I am strong

I shall overcome

I shall live

But I don’t want to

Without you

Ode of longing

The hearte is an orgayne of fire, so they doth saye

Fast upon the wyndes doth your spirite travel to mine

Conjuring tempests upon the seas

And lo! My mynde dost heare it whyspere

And highe above, into the starry Heavens,

Rise in ecstacy

Like a flighty airey spirite doth it go!

In the colde wynter wyndes do I lay me down to rest

Only kept warm from mine torrential beating hearte

And mine arms do ache

For your forme cannot fill the empty space between them

Ziggy Stardust

so i've started writing a rock opera. well, i shouldn't say "writing" it since it will use entirely David Bowie songs and compositions, kinda like Moulin Rouge or Mamma Mia, except Mamma Mia is a musical.
i think i wanna make it a combination of Dancer In The Dark [amazing movie. watch it if you haven't already], Rent, and Moulin Rouge. i just love the power of the music in both Moulin Rouge and Rent in how the songs are an integral part of the story and the characters. and i adore the raw realism of Dancer In The Dark. no amazing graphics, no unrealistic storyline, just pure movie making set in real life with real people.
i just wish i had the power to make this actually happen. David Bowie and the persona of Ziggy Stardust are such an important part of my life. that music and ideology has nurtured my weirdness, my beliefs, and my philosophical and political ideologies. i want to bring that to the world. i want the simple story of two lovers, set in a real life situation, to make an impact. i want the ideology of who Ziggy Stardust is to affect people as it affected me. David Bowie intended Ziggy to be a savior to a generation, to free them from the grey and suffocating ideals of their parents and grandparents, to unleash their inner gods.

"There's a starman waiting in the sky / He'd like to come and meet us, but he thinks he'd blow our minds / There's a starman waiting in the sky / He's told us not to blow it cause he knows it's all worthwhile / He told me: Let the children lose it, let the children use it / Let all the children boogey"

"Look at your children / See their faces in golden rays / Don't kid yourself, they belong to you / They're the start of a coming race / The earth is a bitch, we've finished our news / Homo sapiens have outgrown their use / All the strangers came today / And it looks as though they're here to stay"

"See these eyes so green / I can stare for a thousand years / Colder than the moon / It's been so long / And I've been putting out fire with gasoline"

i'm an idiot, plain and simple

sometimes, it sickens me how incredibly selfish i am. all i can ever think about is how something affects ME, and the fact that i actually have an effect on other people goes way over my head. i've never understood why i think this way. honestly, the thought baffles me. maybe it's from a lack of self confidence, maybe it's a lack of self worth, maybe it's because i'm so detached from myself that i can't see everything that's happening because of me.
i've hurt people in the past because of this lack of insight into my affect on the world. but there's one person that i'm actually aware that i do this to and it breaks my heart. this person is so special to me, so far above me. most of the time i can't imagine how somebody like them could EVER grow to love me. sire, right now, it's not love. my spirit loves theirs, but my logic tells me i can't possibly love them, at least not now. i can understand why, for it is foolish to love somebody you've never even met physically, face to face. but the spirit doesn't have boundaries, doesn't have a shell of a body to hold it back from exploring the world. i feel this is the case. so deep down inside of me, i know i've hurt them because my spirit is attached to theirs.
this is unacceptable to me. some tell me to just break the relationship off and be done with the pain. but the thought of this is even more painful for me to talk about. thinking about them living out there somewhere in the world without me is so heartbreaking for me. and no, i'm not thinking like some psychopath that kills the people they love if they themselves can't have them. i'd just like to clear that up haha. it's more of the fact that they've been in my life now, so i'll always have the memory of them, always have the thoughts of What if...
this all goes back to my selfishness, my preservation of my bubble separating myself emotionally from the world. i never thought i was one of those people who couldn't allow the way they feel to be known, for i've always been one to express everything i'm feeling inside: i feel that if i don't, i'm somehow lying to everybody. but when this person came into my life, i was utterly terrified of what they might find inside of me. i'm not sure why, for i don't have any deep dark secrets, or uncontrollable demons that nobody should ever see. i'm just me, inside and out. they know the demons i struggle to defeat, they've seen them. and what is astounding to me is that they accept them. THEY ACCEPT ME. my mind says What? How is this possible?! well, i guess when somebody cares for you, that's what they do. i know i do with this same person. they say i can't feel the way i do because i don't even know them, that i've never spent time with them. well, again, my logic says yes, you're absolutely correct. then the emotional side of me says i don't care what flaws you have, how you live your life, what you may have done in the past...i don't care because i accept everything about you. i could never turn you away because of the mistakes you've made or the secrets you may carry, because i'm here to share the burden with you. you can pass it onto me and i'll carry it for you forever. i'll cherish everything about you and deep down inside of me i know you'll happily do the same. you've been trying to tell me this for a long time. you've been so understanding and open hearted and accepting. and what have i been? selfish, scared, reclusive, detached.
well, this is ending now. i'm not going to hide anymore. i've nearly lost you before and let me tell you, that was too difficult. i look back now and marvel at what a fool i was, still am even. i just don't know how to change it. i try and try, yet i never get the results i long for. i know i've made promises in the past the i never lived up to. i've said This will get better. yet, none of these things i said actually happened, because of me. so i can understand why you wouldn't believe a single word i say anymore. i can understand why you no longer trust me. i get it and i accept the consequences of my actions. but i will spend my entire life earning back your trust if i have to. i just want you, flaws, demons, and all. everything. these feelings may come on strong, so that's why i've been hiding them. i still can if it's too much for you. i love you with all my heart. in love? no. but love, yes. all i can wait for now is your forgiveness, if you're willing to give it.

Not An Option [originally written for heartsupport.com]

Suicide was my only option. Nothing was getting better. I was failing in school, I was an alcoholic, all I ever thought about was getting high or taking pain medication. All I ever did was eat, sleep, and cut. That razor and the blood it helped produce was my only comfort. My friends were busy, as they rightly should have been. I was proud of them for all that they were accomplishing, but simultaneously I couldn't help feeling neglected and forgotten. My family was distant. They were also ignorant; I kept them that way. I could never imagine showing them my scars and bringing my addictions to their attention. Their love was all I had and how could somebody love a monster like me?
So I formed a new relationship with my razor and bandages. Simply the act of dragging the razor across my skin was a release from my entire existence. Cleaning up was my favorite part, though. In my mind, cleaning up a wound is cleaning up my emotions. I was hurt, so I would bandage everything up and let it heal.
These "cures" of self mutilation, alcohol, drugs, and pills lasted for a time. But always the emptiness, anger, frustration, and darkness would come back, even more intensely than before. My demons grew stronger everyday and I was powerless to defeat them, at least on my own.
So one day (after getting extremely drunk and high, throwing up, and getting even more drunk), I went into my bathroom, locked the door, sat on the floor, took out my razor, and started making careful cuts across my entire body, a little deeper than usual. I cried the whole time, silently. The tears mingled with my blood in a beautiful way, like Christ's tears in the garden of Gethsemane. I was happy and sad, angry and joyful. It would finally be done, over! Yet the dark voices in my mind reminded me of why I was doing this: anger at the world, my family, my friends. Frustration at my own failings filled my heart and mind. Then I realized I was failing this very moment; I was failing my family, friends, teachers, everybody who ever believed in me. I was failing my entire life, right here, on this bathroom floor. Instead of making myself stopped, I started slashing at my arms, legs, and chest. Eventually (I have no idea how much time had passed. I had been completely dissociating) the blood was pouring out of my limbs. My body was numb. My face was drenched from the tears. I went to wipe them away and found my hands had blood on them. Soon my face was covered, and my chest. Admittedly, I enjoyed having my blood all over my body. I felt like what I had set out to do was accomplished.
But then it occurred to me that I was still sitting there in my bathroom. Blood was still flowing. My heart was still beating. I looked down at my wrists: the cuts weren't deep enough. I thought desperately of what to do, but my mind didn't seem to be working. I didn't panic or cry, I didn't do anything. I just sat there and listened to my friends' voices out in the kitchen, down the hall from my bedroom.
Eventually somebody knocked. I let them continue until they persisted that I open the door. See, my friends knew to keep and eye on me. Two weeks previously I had had a pretty serious panic attack. Luckily during that they had stuck by me. Otherwise I would have done exactly what I was doing now.
So, after a while, I unlocked the door, with much effort.
I don't remember much of what happened next. I just remember my two best friends cleaning me up, calling for help, and the police and ambulance coming. One of my best friends had called her parents without my knowledge. When I heard them walk into the apartment, I panicked and started crying; I couldn't let them see me like this, what would they think? I couldn't look at them. I didn't want to see the looks on their faces, looks of disappointment. The police questioned me and the ambulance came. Before I went outside to the truck, I finally looked up at them: they weren't disappointed, they were sorrowful. This stuck a knife into my heart like nothing else ever had. Finally, my own mind spoke up in my head: Danielle, what have you done? At that moment I realized how many people loved me, how many people would miss me if I were to leave them.
*
At this point, I'm going to skip ahead a few months. I'm now living back home with my mother. I'm in an outpatient program at the hospital in Columbia, SC. I'm miserable again.
I never thought group therapy could ever help me, considering I have social anxiety disorder. How could pouring out my heart to strangers relieve my anxiety and fix my problems? At first, it didn't. But then I started having one-on-one counseling sessions with my counselor, Marjorie. These sessions are what really changed me. She seemed to shed light on all the darkness in my mind and heart and bring order to the chaos. She taught me how to identify my emotions and learn to control them, how to interact with other people, how to identify my triggers and cope with them. She taught me the life skills I never learned and gave me the affection I so desperately needed.
After a while, I started to realize that God was working through her. At first I hadn't even considered God in this whole situation, but then it hit me that everything happens for a reason. He had to put me into this darkness and despair in order for me to fight my way out into His light.
During group sessions, the hospital chaplain would sometimes come and talk to us about spiritual matters. I listened to everybody's spiritual struggles, and eventually voiced mine. In my own words I described my frustration with my feelings of loneliness and God's supposed absence from my life. As I talked I started to answer my own questions, as I often do. God wasn't absent, I just wasn't letting Him in.
*
I was raised in a Christian home. Both of my grandfathers were ministers. My mothers parents were missionaries to Brazil. My entire family were heavily involved in their churches and the communities. I thought that all of these things meant I had a relationship with Jesus.
I was desperately wrong. And because of my ignorance, what other path was there for me except one of destruction? I know now that God used that as my jumping off point. He put me in darkness, then brought me to the light. And let me tell you, feeling His presence and love finally in my heart was all I needed to completely turn my entire life around.
I'm still not where I would like to be, but I am happy. I love Jesus and I know He loves me. I tell my story to those in the situation I was in and help them in any way I can. Then I step back and let God do the rest.
I don't claim to have a perfect relationship with God, but that's okay because nobody does. My only testimony is that I was washed in blood and utterly changed. I had suffered my own crucifixion, spilled my blood, and was brought back to life by the Holy Spirit. Now I'm just a disciple walking through life.
I hope this helps those who need help, and enlightens those who need enlightenment.

Dating Site Woes

Why is it that the only guys I've ever attracted on dating sites have been weird, creepy, old, or incredibly shallow? I always hear my friends saying "I met this really hot guy online and he's actually cool..." or the commercials where the couples explain of their miraculous chemistry and how they're going to get married and be so happy, all thanks to meeting on a dating site. You hear people explaining that they met their significant other on sites like Facebook and YouTube. They just started messaging, then IMing, then texting, then actually interacting in real life. And now they're just oh so happy.
If all of this is true, then why not me? God knows, I try. I'm friendly, chatty, and not too overbearing. I'm myself and most people seem to like that. Yet no single guy (emphasize single) seems to want a relationship. Either they're not looking, just got out of one, don't want anything serious, or don't think of me as any more than a friend. Am I one of those girls that everyone wants to be friends with, yet nobody wants to hurt her feelings by telling her they simply do not want now, or ever a relationship with her? God, I remember those girls in school and in a word, they were pathetic. I'm saying it like that because the girls brought it on themselves; they were whiny, catty, melodramatic, and loose. They always complained about how guys didn't want a relationship and they always go for someone else. I pray to God I'm not one of THOSE...
If any guys are out there reading this, please tell me, why? In your personal opinion, tell me why men never want to commit. Tell me why all the good ones are taken. Tell me what the few remaining good ones are looking for. Because honestly, I'm sick of being alone. I can't stand it. I know God put somebody out there for me, I'm just having a hella lot of trouble finding him and, apparently, him finding me. Why can't like just be a musical? Then nobody would be lonely.

Black Veil Brides "Knives and Pens" Standby Records

tread lightly always

always keep your eyes on the ground, for you never know where you might be treading. yes, keep you head held so that you may clearly see your goal, but doing this may cause you to tread on unpleasant things. this can be applied to very practical things, such as having bare feet. if you don't look what your stepping on, you may find yourself with a very nasty bee string, or scratches from a very angry cat. this concept also applies (more metaphorically, of course) to how one goes about reaching that goal you are pursuing. you may have a precise crystal clear idea of where you want to go. you map out your route with thought and precision. but if you don't keep your eyes on the ground you may tread on your morals, values, and, most importantly, the lives of others. from a distance you may not see that your carefully planned route intrudes on the space of others, overlapping their own roads. if you reach your goal and look back on your journey, you may find your feet caused a rampage of destruction. angels tread lightly and carefully; they pay careful attention to where their foot falls. is not mans greatest goal to be as the angels?

tread lightly, for these are my dreams

number 4

All throughout my life, I never understood how somebody could love multiple persons simultaneously. It still remains, in my mind, one of the biggest hypocrisies a human being could commit. Furthermore, how unjust to the persons involved in the subjects affections. How are they to know if the love this person has for them will not waver, then fall onto another? I myself have experienced this, and this, I think, is why I now find it so difficult to sustain a long lasting and healthy relationship. It’s not that I mistrust people, by any means. On the contrary, I find that in matters of affection, I’m quite naïve and over willing to pour the deepest secrets of my heart out to a person I’ve only known a short while. So why, in this short life I have experienced, do I have such a skeptical and rather cynical view of love?
I think it all began when I first fell in love. Sure, I had loved others before, but that was only the type of love that is like an explosion. The hormones rage for a while, then all of a sudden, all mutual affection has vanished. This is what I thought love was, as do all young persons of my generation. No, my first experience with love happened gradually. People always say that love at first sight does not exist, that love itself must spring first from pure unadulterated lust. That upon that first sighting, it is the lust for that person that prompts a desire to become closer to them, and only then do feelings of affection and deep spiritual and emotional attachment grow. Finally, the end result is what we call love. But I disagree with this idea that romantic love depends completely on first having lustful feelings for another human being, whether emotionally or physically.
No, my first interactions with this person I speak of were entirely love at first sight. I do not think I could explain how it felt exactly, nor do I think I would want to, for this feeling is so pure that trying to describe it would only taint and soil it. So I will leave it at that.
I loved this person from the moment I saw them. They were always in my mind. What was different about this love, though, was that we two were always entirely honest with one another, sometimes brutally so. I was so heartless with said person, yet I felt no guilt, so remorse, no fear of rejection from them because I knew that our minds were one and the same. I have always deeply appreciated having the truth told bluntly to my face, though I would never let anybody catch on to this amusement to my own faults. I act defensive and throw back the javelin with clever rhetoric and wit. Persons of the same mind as I can always catch the secret laughter in the undercurrent of my cutting remarks. They too unintentionally remark in the same manner. Those who do not understand this manner of banter think of it as pure bitterness, a show of self loathing and a low self esteem on the part of the speaker. But we of like minds know different. Perhaps it is the way our brain processes language that we can detect the small, but completely strong undertones of a word. We know what the speaker is truly thinking behind the mask of their words. And this, I think, we find extremely amusing. It’s like a secret language that only the initiated understand.
But, lo, this person was taken from my life like so many others, at least physically. Yet always after I could feel their presence with me always, like a ghost walking beside me. Memories from the past replay in my mind constantly and if they had happened only moments ago. It’s maddening at times, like a never ending movie reel, or a melody that replays eternally in ones mind. It’s a blessing and a curse. I find small comfort in the fact that though they are not with me physically, their spirit can still inhabit the empty space by my side. Perhaps my immediate and permanent emotional attachment to certain persons enables me to bring a part of them with me when I leave them. I do not yet know if this is a blessing or not.
After that first (and still extremely present) love, I began to develop a sort of fondness for somebody else that had always been in my life, but never played much of a part. It’s like when one discovers somebody they had always known was there, but had never really seen. My experience with this discovery was breathtaking. And by this, I mean literally. It seems that I had laid eyes on this person for the first time. My heart stopped and my body froze. Yet a wave of complete contentedness washed over my being and I felt like nothing could ever hurt me again.
After this experience, this person never left my thoughts, not even once. Always they were there, and as a result my longing to constantly be at their side grew stronger every single day. When I finally attained the few minutes of being in their presence, my heart ached when I thought of the fact that, eventually, I would have to let them go. In preparation for this inevitable moment, I would close my eyes and preserve my time spent with them. It’s like I would condense the entire time (whether it be minutes, hours, or days) into a single concrete moment, then freeze it. After I left them, I could still feels their touch on my arms, their smell, their voice in my ear, and their breathe near my skin. This, I think, is what made my captivity more bearable. I still had my greatest love with me always, and I also had the ever present phantom by my side, echoing shadows of our past.
Still I carry both of these with me, a memory and a ghost. But these comforts wrack my mind and heart with guilt, for I absolutely can not let go of these still present loves from my life so that I may now embrace my happiest of conditions. My greatest companion waits for me, and I do love them with my whole being. Yet these past shadows still hold part of my love so strongly that they have being part of my own spirit. How can I reconcile all of these emotions, all of these different beings so that I may free my spirit from the torment I experience every single day? Nobody seems to have an answer for me.

I'M PROUD TO BE GAY...right?

is it so wrong to be my gay dyke lesbian self? would i sooner go to Hell for being this way than a rapist or murderer? the Bible is thrown into my face. the six single verses condeming those like me repeated overandoverandoverandoverandover...the beautiful psalms and gospels that i so love, that comfort me in the darkness and shed light on my doubts, are completely discarded and thrown in the dust at my feet. they say i am not worthy of the unconditional love of God. i need to be exorcised of my demons. i need to be cured. i need to be ashamed of who i am. i need to shut up and be straight. i need to ignore my pure and natural feelings, push them into the back of my mind, and put on a smile.

it hurts. i want to tear out my hair and scream curses at their self righteous faces. i want to beat them, bloody them, tear them down into nothing, for this is what they do to me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. only THEY are God's children. only THEY are loved by Him. only THEY can follow in the footsteps of Christ. only they...only them...not i. i am not worthy. i am wrong. i am sick. i am posessed. i am ugly. i am an abomination. i am a mistake. i am sinful. i i i i i i i i i iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...

...but what about them? this small quiet question rings through my head...WHAT ABOUT THEM? WHAT ABOUT YOU?! judgemental. hateful. loathing. controlling. angry. close minded. intolerant. insensitive. non welcoming. unaccepting. un Christ-like...?

ask yourself this: what would Jesus do? would He cast me away, He who accepted the prostitutes, lepers, sinners, tax collectors, poor, outcast, despised, DIFFERENT. what would He do?
are you any better than me? am i any better than you? in my opinion, NO. no no no no no no no no!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!! NOBODY is more holy. EVERYBODY lives in sin. and God created me, you, the drag queen, the whore, the dyke, the hetero couple, the outcast child, the lonely senior, the leper, the cancer patient, the sinner, the saint. He loves us all. so go out and be like HIM. that's your goal, is it not? so do it. be it. be LOVE. love.

cast me out. rip my heart out of my body and throw it in the dirt. cut me. beat me. break me. call me names. label me. kill me. "cure" me. spit in my face. slap me. punch me. pull out my hair. burn me. whip me. bloody me. throw me into the water to drown. pour salt on my wounds. flog me. tell me i'm nothing. tell me i'm an abomination. tell me God doesn't love me.

but i KNOW that He DOES. i don't give a flying fuck what you say or think or feel. only He who created me. and someday we all shall stand in His glorious presense, naked and vulnerable. exposed. no lies, no mask, only TRUTH. glorious truth. He will know what is in our hearts. is yours filled with hate or love? which one do you think He prefers?

God didn't make one type of butterfly or one type of flower. the world is made of many colors, shapes, sizes...there are NO straight lines in nature. so why should there be in man?

wedding thoughts...

so, weddings. seems to be ahot issue for almost everybody, and that can be good or bad. some people dream about their weddings from the moment they see a wedding dress or bridal magazine. others posess a passionate disdain for weddings, rightfully so since many weddings are nothing but a circus.
i fall into the former category. i used to draw my cake 50 times over, adding flowers or tiers, modifying here and there. then i discovered bridal dresses and realized my wedding would have to be themed around my dress. the flowers, cake, decorations, colors...even my hair color. over the years, i began to imagine this grand ceremony in a medieval church or cathedral. the reception, a show with myself as the lead actress. hundreds of people congregated to witness the most important event of my life. everything would have to be perfect. no dream or wish spared.

then i realized...isn't this wrong? where is the romance, the love, the intimacy? shouldn't a wedding be simple and elegant, made for two and a few close friends and family members? no circus, no shows, no extravagence, just love. just beauty. a simple declaration of love. two people vowing to always love one another, through thick and thin, better or worse, sickness and health.

the beauty of nature shall be my church. my loved ones and the faeries shall be my witnesses. my love shall be mine, forever. and we will be free.

i dunno, i just have such a vision of a beautiful natural wedding, without anxiety or falsification. no masks, no acts, only sincere and unconditional love. someday, i shall take my love for my bride, if she will have me. until then, i can only dream...

My Faery Love

*this poem is currently unifinshed and shall evolve over time, just like the Faeries*

One fine evening in an indian summer

In the twilight of a soft full moon

I fell in love with a faery, wild and free

We danced in the honeysuckle

While the fireflies danced in a round

The crickets chirped the waltz melody

The vibrant green moss was soft underfoot

And we laughed as the forest streams splashed our faces

This child of nature felt like a dream

My mortal mind could not fathom the infinite union of our love

Two gypsy lovers, lying under a million stars

A thousand years could pass in a fleeting moment

As we lay in each others arms

Like ivy wrapped around the ancient oak

My beloved is mine and I am my beloveds

Those ancient words echoed in my heart and head

For sure we belonged only to each other

And no one else could contain our otherwordly spirits

I would willingly abandon this finite ignorant plane of existance

For her touch and her smile and her love

For this is what one does

When one loves a faery woman

prayer to our Blessed Mother

why is it that a man of considerable years is seen as wise and powerful while a woman is a "crone", ugly, evil? an enlightened man is a prodigy; an enlightened woman, a witch.
it's always baffled me how accepting humanity is of the completely masculine religions we celebrate today, namely, Christianity. it wasn't until i found Wicca and other neo-pagan religions that celebrate femininity equally [sometimes even more so] as masculinity that i realized how much injustice has been paid to women throughout time thanks to the so-called "loving" ideals of many Christians. the truth is that these Christians who are unenlightened and ignorant are sexist, and proud of it. how many female figures in the Bible are celebrated an equal amount as the male patriarchs? the only one i can think of is the Virgin Mary, and she is only revered because of the divinity surrounding Christ's birth. after the virgin birth of Jesus, Mary was pushed aside and is hardly mentioned again. another celebrated woman is Mary Magdalene. but she, like so many other women throughout history, was turned into a grave sinner who needed the forgiveness of a man to achieve redemption. this great and noble woman was changed into a prostitute kneeling at Jesus' feet washing them with her hair. and why? because church leaders decided to take this passage where this feet-washing takes place and apply it to Mary Magdalene, who wasn't even present at this event. they did this because the church has always feared the empowerment of women. they know that women are capable of so much good and they fear that their own faults would be illuminated by the highly intuitive mind of the female.
so is this anti-feminine testasterone-fueled fear the reason so many women have been stripped of their rights and humanity? even today women and girls around the world are thought of as less worthwhile than men, their only purpose being to bear children until they die from it. men can't be bothered with the "woman's work" of cleaning, cooking, and watching over children, so he leaves this to his wife who is probably already ragged from this constant cycle of pregnancy-birth-pregnancy-birth.
i say, it's time women took a proper stand against this tyranny we have put up with for so long. the feminist movement needs support and a willingness of its members to take action, not just talk. rape is NOT okay. violence against women is NOT okay. total male domination is NOT okay. why does the world think it's okay that in a certain country, women now have to wear a red bracelet while on their menstrual period in the workplace? why is it okay in some cultures and religions to deem a woman "unclean" while on her menstrual period? even nowadays, it's not okay to be womanly. girls are taught from an early age that womanly curves are ugly and women with boy-shaped bodies [narrow hips, small breasts, muscles] are the only beautiful women. girls are taught to wear make up, do their hair, buy clothes that are sexy, and be the playthings of men. god forbid a girl has a mind of her own and goes against this preconditioning to womanhood. that's just not natural!!
let's take a stand. let us have our own church, a Church Of Femininity, Justice, and Wisdom. we will worship the Holy Trinity of the Mother, Daughter, and Holy Intuition. our feminine will shall be our prayer, our bodies our temple, the cycle of the moon our calendar, and the whole female sex our goddess. we shall promote tolerance, equality, freedom, justice, and the pursuit of happiness for ALL. there shall be no segregated races, no "stronger" and "weaker sex", no inequal treatment and opportunities. a man would be free to dress and act as flambouantly feminine as he so wishes without the fear of retaliation from homophobes and fundamentalists. a woman would be as strong willed, powerful, and dominant as a man without the titles of lesbian, dyke, and bitch forced upon her.

let us pray: Mater Gaia, give us your strength, your comfort, and your motherly affection so we may weather this storm of injustice and inequality with strong hearts and come through the other side stronger and more beautiful than before. Persephone, we ask for your frivolity so we may laugh in the face of oppression and opposition. we ask for your beauty, your unconditional love, and your eternal spirit of youth. we also pray that we may be as forgiving and accepting as You so we may forgive our oppressors and offer them boundless freedom and duality with ourselves. we pray to you, Hecate, grandmother of our sex, to offer your infinite wisdom and eternal knowledge of the unknown. give us confidence for the shadowy road ahead, light our way with your moonlight, and shield us from harm with your magick. Triple Goddess, above and below, watch over your daughters and guide us on our way to a golden future with patience, courage, love, wisdom, and eternal feminine beauty.
the rains shall no longer fall as the tears of our Mother, but rather as the fuel for a promising spring of peaceful duality with our male counterparts. we will spring from the soil with all the color and vibrancy as the flowers in spring. we shall be wild, flippant, and free. but we shall also guide with loving words our posterity so they may always posses their inherent freedoms and equal rights. and with warm outstretched arms we shall embrace them and comfort them in troubled times. never again shall we struggle through the nighttime of ignorance. only a shining Renaissance from here on out, i promise you.

most stressful week ever? ja

so last Friday was completely horrible. somehow i fell, but i not only fell, i fell onto the kitchen floor flat on my face. bashed my head and fucked up my knees to the point where i couldn't walk. don't remember how it happened, all i remember is waking up with my head bleeding and throbbing and my knees swollen and purple. it wasn't until later in the afternoon that i came round enough to even call somebody. luckily, no broken bones or fractures, just some crazy bruising. head still kind of hurts, but what can ya do, eh? of course, this concusion came at the worst possible time in that we were packing up our house and relocating to New Jersey. so as soon as i was well enough to walk without falling over and getting another concunsion, i had to pack up my shit and sit in a car for 10 hours straight. FML. hopefully, this week will be better. we shall see...

America: the Land Of The Free?

i've been watching closely all the events happening in Egypt lately, and one thing thathas really gotten under my skin is the government blocking access to social networking sites to prevent people from expressing their opinions. freedom of speech, to me, is the most important human right. without it, each and every human being is left without a voice, opinion, and influence to change their world. freedom of information, too is extremely near and dear to my heart. for without the access to new information [or the correction of false information], humanity will remain ignorant. by remaining ignorant,we will be unable to rise to a higher plane of consciousness,and, by extension, will be unable to get itself out of the dangerous rut we have found ourselves in.
this act of censorship got me thinking, though. it got me thinking about how America itself blocks information from its citizens. the government does this out of fear, as it does most things. fear of the population becoming enlightened. fear of being challenged. fear of being overthrown. fear of humanity realizing that there is a different, and better way of living that the current government cannot provide.
i came to realize that America indeed has become its own worse enemy. it preaches freedom and liberty. it gives its citizens freedom of speech and information, freedom to express their opinions...or so we think. don't get me wrong, i am NOT complaining. i am aware that most of the world doesn't even have half of therights that Americans so foolishly take for granted. i realize that in somecountries, one can [and will] be killed for expressing an opinion that is contradictory to the status quo. my goal with this note is just to bring to light that Americans don't realize how much information is being hidden from them. censorship. this is the dirty word that America has always stood firmly against. but my question is: does the government indeed know that it's keeping its population ignorant, or are they truly that ignorant themselves? most people would agree with the former, that the government has been withholding information from Americans for years, even since the country was first founded.
the values that America was supposedly founded on [life, liberty, justice, freedom] do not, and have never existed in this country. the government has cast the illusion that we can say and do whatever we feel is right. this, of course, is a lie. there is a faint line separating what the government is telling us and what it is not. this line is so faint that many times, Americans have crossed it without even realizing it. next thing they know, they are being threatened, questioned, arrested, etc.
all i want [and i'm sure many people concur] is for the government of this country to shed light on all the secrets it has withheld from us for generations. they say they withhold information from us for our own safety and security. but is it not more dangerous for the masses to be ignorant than for them to have a false sense of security? look back on history and tell me that that statement isn't true. censorship and domination eventually leads to unrest, protesting, uprising, and, in more severe cases, revolution. if this government [and, indeed, governments around the world] wishes to instill peace, prosperity, and true security, it must come clean and be truthful with the population it presides over. i just don't understand why humanity STILL hasn't learned this lesson. it's as if we're still in the Dark Ages. when will the glorious rays of Enlightenment finally break through the black clouds of Ignorance?

"I CAN TAKE THE TROUBLE" by Bebe Zeva on LOOKBOOK.nu

this look is making me rethink my position on goth/industrial platforms...hm...





"I CAN TAKE THE TROUBLE" by Bebe Zeva on LOOKBOOK.nu: "... cuz I'm 60 feet tall.

These hefty boots weigh in at 2.2 lbs each which means my calves are getting quite the workout every time I slip them on! They feature laces underneath the jungle of silver buckles and straps. Fortunately, I don't have to tie myself into these statement death traps- a convenient zipper gives me easy access in and out. The platforms are 6 inches at highest, but since I'm so unbelievably short, I only stand 5 foot 8 when I've got them on!"

o5

Falling down. Falling down. Falling down. Fall falling down. Down down down. Down to the underground, far under ground. No water, no sun, no wind, no stars. Only ghosts. A ghost world of phantoms and demons. Spirits haunt everywhere. Every space is occupied. White mist contrasts with black velvet walls. White diamonds replace burning stars. Chilled air replaces warm summer breezes. Only echoes. Only shadows. Nothing phantasmagoric or extraordinary. Extraterrestrial beings have never set foot here.
They took the trees and they poisoned the seas. They burned through the dome of enlightenment and truth. They wasted away under too-hot suns. They starved from lack of the bounty of earth. Gaia is almost dead. Persephone is now a queen. Zombies walk on waterless charred grass. Concrete is cracked and buildings destroyed. No birds sing. No fish swim. No life is anywhere to be seen. The horizon, once so full of potential and wonder, is now empty and dull, no ships sail there. Heat rises from grasses no longer green. Waves crash upon shores where footprints are now washed away.

Through the caverns and desolation of the subterranean world, a dim light glides above the rough cold floor. These walls are home. These stalactites replace a once blue sky. No footsteps echo here, but life there is still. Small, insignificant, dying life. Life. Forever trapped under ground. Still, living. There is but a fool’s hope. The future is in the hands of a small crying child with no one to hug. Just a ghost. Falling down.

i don't speak German, but i can if you like

obsessed with the song Scheiße by Lady Gaga, which is a remix of a song from her new album 'Born This Way'. who else is stoked for this album to drop?! i'm on pins and needles. i adore Gaga. the first song i ever heard by her was Lovegame. at first, i thought it was stupid and absurd. but, as i listened to it more and peeled back the layers, i can to absolutely love it. then i came to idolize Gaga herself. i think she epitomizes everything my life revolves around: love, fashion, music, beauty, freedom, and liberation. she's so outrageous, and i love it. i shall always be her little monster. seriously, i don't understand how somebody couldn't like Lady Gaga. a lot of people say she's just another pop star whose 15 minutes of fame is running out. but i disagree. every great artist has been labeled as such throughout history: Leonardo Da Vinci, Pytor Tchaikovsky, Mozart, Raphael, David Bowie, Elton John, John Lennon, Bob Dylan, Andy Warhol, Freddie Mercury, Michael Jackson...yet, all of these artists live on infamously in the psyche of humanity. why should Gaga be an exception? she shrouds the true meanings of her music in vulgar obnoxious lyrics to make it more appealing to the masses. but once you unravel the threads of the music, you begin to discover deep personal hearthache and longing. you see her passion, ingenuity, and love. i personally think she will live on forever because out her outrageous style, powerful voice, and controversial music. she is the pop goddess of our generation.