number 4

All throughout my life, I never understood how somebody could love multiple persons simultaneously. It still remains, in my mind, one of the biggest hypocrisies a human being could commit. Furthermore, how unjust to the persons involved in the subjects affections. How are they to know if the love this person has for them will not waver, then fall onto another? I myself have experienced this, and this, I think, is why I now find it so difficult to sustain a long lasting and healthy relationship. It’s not that I mistrust people, by any means. On the contrary, I find that in matters of affection, I’m quite naïve and over willing to pour the deepest secrets of my heart out to a person I’ve only known a short while. So why, in this short life I have experienced, do I have such a skeptical and rather cynical view of love?
I think it all began when I first fell in love. Sure, I had loved others before, but that was only the type of love that is like an explosion. The hormones rage for a while, then all of a sudden, all mutual affection has vanished. This is what I thought love was, as do all young persons of my generation. No, my first experience with love happened gradually. People always say that love at first sight does not exist, that love itself must spring first from pure unadulterated lust. That upon that first sighting, it is the lust for that person that prompts a desire to become closer to them, and only then do feelings of affection and deep spiritual and emotional attachment grow. Finally, the end result is what we call love. But I disagree with this idea that romantic love depends completely on first having lustful feelings for another human being, whether emotionally or physically.
No, my first interactions with this person I speak of were entirely love at first sight. I do not think I could explain how it felt exactly, nor do I think I would want to, for this feeling is so pure that trying to describe it would only taint and soil it. So I will leave it at that.
I loved this person from the moment I saw them. They were always in my mind. What was different about this love, though, was that we two were always entirely honest with one another, sometimes brutally so. I was so heartless with said person, yet I felt no guilt, so remorse, no fear of rejection from them because I knew that our minds were one and the same. I have always deeply appreciated having the truth told bluntly to my face, though I would never let anybody catch on to this amusement to my own faults. I act defensive and throw back the javelin with clever rhetoric and wit. Persons of the same mind as I can always catch the secret laughter in the undercurrent of my cutting remarks. They too unintentionally remark in the same manner. Those who do not understand this manner of banter think of it as pure bitterness, a show of self loathing and a low self esteem on the part of the speaker. But we of like minds know different. Perhaps it is the way our brain processes language that we can detect the small, but completely strong undertones of a word. We know what the speaker is truly thinking behind the mask of their words. And this, I think, we find extremely amusing. It’s like a secret language that only the initiated understand.
But, lo, this person was taken from my life like so many others, at least physically. Yet always after I could feel their presence with me always, like a ghost walking beside me. Memories from the past replay in my mind constantly and if they had happened only moments ago. It’s maddening at times, like a never ending movie reel, or a melody that replays eternally in ones mind. It’s a blessing and a curse. I find small comfort in the fact that though they are not with me physically, their spirit can still inhabit the empty space by my side. Perhaps my immediate and permanent emotional attachment to certain persons enables me to bring a part of them with me when I leave them. I do not yet know if this is a blessing or not.
After that first (and still extremely present) love, I began to develop a sort of fondness for somebody else that had always been in my life, but never played much of a part. It’s like when one discovers somebody they had always known was there, but had never really seen. My experience with this discovery was breathtaking. And by this, I mean literally. It seems that I had laid eyes on this person for the first time. My heart stopped and my body froze. Yet a wave of complete contentedness washed over my being and I felt like nothing could ever hurt me again.
After this experience, this person never left my thoughts, not even once. Always they were there, and as a result my longing to constantly be at their side grew stronger every single day. When I finally attained the few minutes of being in their presence, my heart ached when I thought of the fact that, eventually, I would have to let them go. In preparation for this inevitable moment, I would close my eyes and preserve my time spent with them. It’s like I would condense the entire time (whether it be minutes, hours, or days) into a single concrete moment, then freeze it. After I left them, I could still feels their touch on my arms, their smell, their voice in my ear, and their breathe near my skin. This, I think, is what made my captivity more bearable. I still had my greatest love with me always, and I also had the ever present phantom by my side, echoing shadows of our past.
Still I carry both of these with me, a memory and a ghost. But these comforts wrack my mind and heart with guilt, for I absolutely can not let go of these still present loves from my life so that I may now embrace my happiest of conditions. My greatest companion waits for me, and I do love them with my whole being. Yet these past shadows still hold part of my love so strongly that they have being part of my own spirit. How can I reconcile all of these emotions, all of these different beings so that I may free my spirit from the torment I experience every single day? Nobody seems to have an answer for me.

I'M PROUD TO BE GAY...right?

is it so wrong to be my gay dyke lesbian self? would i sooner go to Hell for being this way than a rapist or murderer? the Bible is thrown into my face. the six single verses condeming those like me repeated overandoverandoverandoverandover...the beautiful psalms and gospels that i so love, that comfort me in the darkness and shed light on my doubts, are completely discarded and thrown in the dust at my feet. they say i am not worthy of the unconditional love of God. i need to be exorcised of my demons. i need to be cured. i need to be ashamed of who i am. i need to shut up and be straight. i need to ignore my pure and natural feelings, push them into the back of my mind, and put on a smile.

it hurts. i want to tear out my hair and scream curses at their self righteous faces. i want to beat them, bloody them, tear them down into nothing, for this is what they do to me EVERY. SINGLE. DAY. only THEY are God's children. only THEY are loved by Him. only THEY can follow in the footsteps of Christ. only they...only them...not i. i am not worthy. i am wrong. i am sick. i am posessed. i am ugly. i am an abomination. i am a mistake. i am sinful. i i i i i i i i i iiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii...

...but what about them? this small quiet question rings through my head...WHAT ABOUT THEM? WHAT ABOUT YOU?! judgemental. hateful. loathing. controlling. angry. close minded. intolerant. insensitive. non welcoming. unaccepting. un Christ-like...?

ask yourself this: what would Jesus do? would He cast me away, He who accepted the prostitutes, lepers, sinners, tax collectors, poor, outcast, despised, DIFFERENT. what would He do?
are you any better than me? am i any better than you? in my opinion, NO. no no no no no no no no!!!!!! NO!!!!!!!! NOBODY is more holy. EVERYBODY lives in sin. and God created me, you, the drag queen, the whore, the dyke, the hetero couple, the outcast child, the lonely senior, the leper, the cancer patient, the sinner, the saint. He loves us all. so go out and be like HIM. that's your goal, is it not? so do it. be it. be LOVE. love.

cast me out. rip my heart out of my body and throw it in the dirt. cut me. beat me. break me. call me names. label me. kill me. "cure" me. spit in my face. slap me. punch me. pull out my hair. burn me. whip me. bloody me. throw me into the water to drown. pour salt on my wounds. flog me. tell me i'm nothing. tell me i'm an abomination. tell me God doesn't love me.

but i KNOW that He DOES. i don't give a flying fuck what you say or think or feel. only He who created me. and someday we all shall stand in His glorious presense, naked and vulnerable. exposed. no lies, no mask, only TRUTH. glorious truth. He will know what is in our hearts. is yours filled with hate or love? which one do you think He prefers?

God didn't make one type of butterfly or one type of flower. the world is made of many colors, shapes, sizes...there are NO straight lines in nature. so why should there be in man?

wedding thoughts...

so, weddings. seems to be ahot issue for almost everybody, and that can be good or bad. some people dream about their weddings from the moment they see a wedding dress or bridal magazine. others posess a passionate disdain for weddings, rightfully so since many weddings are nothing but a circus.
i fall into the former category. i used to draw my cake 50 times over, adding flowers or tiers, modifying here and there. then i discovered bridal dresses and realized my wedding would have to be themed around my dress. the flowers, cake, decorations, colors...even my hair color. over the years, i began to imagine this grand ceremony in a medieval church or cathedral. the reception, a show with myself as the lead actress. hundreds of people congregated to witness the most important event of my life. everything would have to be perfect. no dream or wish spared.

then i realized...isn't this wrong? where is the romance, the love, the intimacy? shouldn't a wedding be simple and elegant, made for two and a few close friends and family members? no circus, no shows, no extravagence, just love. just beauty. a simple declaration of love. two people vowing to always love one another, through thick and thin, better or worse, sickness and health.

the beauty of nature shall be my church. my loved ones and the faeries shall be my witnesses. my love shall be mine, forever. and we will be free.

i dunno, i just have such a vision of a beautiful natural wedding, without anxiety or falsification. no masks, no acts, only sincere and unconditional love. someday, i shall take my love for my bride, if she will have me. until then, i can only dream...

My Faery Love

*this poem is currently unifinshed and shall evolve over time, just like the Faeries*

One fine evening in an indian summer

In the twilight of a soft full moon

I fell in love with a faery, wild and free

We danced in the honeysuckle

While the fireflies danced in a round

The crickets chirped the waltz melody

The vibrant green moss was soft underfoot

And we laughed as the forest streams splashed our faces

This child of nature felt like a dream

My mortal mind could not fathom the infinite union of our love

Two gypsy lovers, lying under a million stars

A thousand years could pass in a fleeting moment

As we lay in each others arms

Like ivy wrapped around the ancient oak

My beloved is mine and I am my beloveds

Those ancient words echoed in my heart and head

For sure we belonged only to each other

And no one else could contain our otherwordly spirits

I would willingly abandon this finite ignorant plane of existance

For her touch and her smile and her love

For this is what one does

When one loves a faery woman

prayer to our Blessed Mother

why is it that a man of considerable years is seen as wise and powerful while a woman is a "crone", ugly, evil? an enlightened man is a prodigy; an enlightened woman, a witch.
it's always baffled me how accepting humanity is of the completely masculine religions we celebrate today, namely, Christianity. it wasn't until i found Wicca and other neo-pagan religions that celebrate femininity equally [sometimes even more so] as masculinity that i realized how much injustice has been paid to women throughout time thanks to the so-called "loving" ideals of many Christians. the truth is that these Christians who are unenlightened and ignorant are sexist, and proud of it. how many female figures in the Bible are celebrated an equal amount as the male patriarchs? the only one i can think of is the Virgin Mary, and she is only revered because of the divinity surrounding Christ's birth. after the virgin birth of Jesus, Mary was pushed aside and is hardly mentioned again. another celebrated woman is Mary Magdalene. but she, like so many other women throughout history, was turned into a grave sinner who needed the forgiveness of a man to achieve redemption. this great and noble woman was changed into a prostitute kneeling at Jesus' feet washing them with her hair. and why? because church leaders decided to take this passage where this feet-washing takes place and apply it to Mary Magdalene, who wasn't even present at this event. they did this because the church has always feared the empowerment of women. they know that women are capable of so much good and they fear that their own faults would be illuminated by the highly intuitive mind of the female.
so is this anti-feminine testasterone-fueled fear the reason so many women have been stripped of their rights and humanity? even today women and girls around the world are thought of as less worthwhile than men, their only purpose being to bear children until they die from it. men can't be bothered with the "woman's work" of cleaning, cooking, and watching over children, so he leaves this to his wife who is probably already ragged from this constant cycle of pregnancy-birth-pregnancy-birth.
i say, it's time women took a proper stand against this tyranny we have put up with for so long. the feminist movement needs support and a willingness of its members to take action, not just talk. rape is NOT okay. violence against women is NOT okay. total male domination is NOT okay. why does the world think it's okay that in a certain country, women now have to wear a red bracelet while on their menstrual period in the workplace? why is it okay in some cultures and religions to deem a woman "unclean" while on her menstrual period? even nowadays, it's not okay to be womanly. girls are taught from an early age that womanly curves are ugly and women with boy-shaped bodies [narrow hips, small breasts, muscles] are the only beautiful women. girls are taught to wear make up, do their hair, buy clothes that are sexy, and be the playthings of men. god forbid a girl has a mind of her own and goes against this preconditioning to womanhood. that's just not natural!!
let's take a stand. let us have our own church, a Church Of Femininity, Justice, and Wisdom. we will worship the Holy Trinity of the Mother, Daughter, and Holy Intuition. our feminine will shall be our prayer, our bodies our temple, the cycle of the moon our calendar, and the whole female sex our goddess. we shall promote tolerance, equality, freedom, justice, and the pursuit of happiness for ALL. there shall be no segregated races, no "stronger" and "weaker sex", no inequal treatment and opportunities. a man would be free to dress and act as flambouantly feminine as he so wishes without the fear of retaliation from homophobes and fundamentalists. a woman would be as strong willed, powerful, and dominant as a man without the titles of lesbian, dyke, and bitch forced upon her.

let us pray: Mater Gaia, give us your strength, your comfort, and your motherly affection so we may weather this storm of injustice and inequality with strong hearts and come through the other side stronger and more beautiful than before. Persephone, we ask for your frivolity so we may laugh in the face of oppression and opposition. we ask for your beauty, your unconditional love, and your eternal spirit of youth. we also pray that we may be as forgiving and accepting as You so we may forgive our oppressors and offer them boundless freedom and duality with ourselves. we pray to you, Hecate, grandmother of our sex, to offer your infinite wisdom and eternal knowledge of the unknown. give us confidence for the shadowy road ahead, light our way with your moonlight, and shield us from harm with your magick. Triple Goddess, above and below, watch over your daughters and guide us on our way to a golden future with patience, courage, love, wisdom, and eternal feminine beauty.
the rains shall no longer fall as the tears of our Mother, but rather as the fuel for a promising spring of peaceful duality with our male counterparts. we will spring from the soil with all the color and vibrancy as the flowers in spring. we shall be wild, flippant, and free. but we shall also guide with loving words our posterity so they may always posses their inherent freedoms and equal rights. and with warm outstretched arms we shall embrace them and comfort them in troubled times. never again shall we struggle through the nighttime of ignorance. only a shining Renaissance from here on out, i promise you.

most stressful week ever? ja

so last Friday was completely horrible. somehow i fell, but i not only fell, i fell onto the kitchen floor flat on my face. bashed my head and fucked up my knees to the point where i couldn't walk. don't remember how it happened, all i remember is waking up with my head bleeding and throbbing and my knees swollen and purple. it wasn't until later in the afternoon that i came round enough to even call somebody. luckily, no broken bones or fractures, just some crazy bruising. head still kind of hurts, but what can ya do, eh? of course, this concusion came at the worst possible time in that we were packing up our house and relocating to New Jersey. so as soon as i was well enough to walk without falling over and getting another concunsion, i had to pack up my shit and sit in a car for 10 hours straight. FML. hopefully, this week will be better. we shall see...